Heidi Bruder

Two years ago this past weekend, we found out that we lost a baby. We named this child Glory Baby. On the one-year anniversary of Glory Baby’s death, a dear friend gave me a book entitled Grieving the Child I Never Knew. I was deeply touched by by the book, but mostly by the fact that someone remembered this life-changing day. My friend and I share a special bond in this way…she was diagnosed with breast cancer the day before we found out we lost Glory Baby. It was the beginning of a faith journey for each of us. It was the beginning of a journey that forever changed each of us.

Anyway, back to the book. I confess that I have looked at it many times in the past year, but I never really started to read it. On Saturday night, I knew I needed something to begin processing through this baby’s death and dealing with my grief. I’ve been doing an excellent job of hiding from the reality of it. My grief became intense, overwhelming and lonely.

I opened up the book. It was written for me. It may be written for you. It was written for anyone who has experienced the loss of an unborn or newly born child. It is written for the parent who lost a baby 2 days ago, 2 years ago or 20 years ago. In the opening pages, the author writes the following excerpt. Perhaps you can relate.

“Grieving the Child I Never Knew is not a how-to book with pat answers about grieving the loss of a child. My hope is that this book will become your personal companion. Think of it as your trusted friend, who walks beside you and gives you permission to be who you are and where you are in your journey. If you are hiding your pain or hiding from people, then discover how God will meet you in your isolation. If you are suffering and need to cry, then weep with all your heart. If you feel like relating to others to help them through a similar journey, then connect. And if you are seeking hope, help and healing to press on in your future, then start today.

Whether you’ve recently suffered loss or lost a child long ago, my prayer is that Grieving the child I never knew will be a tool to guide you to a deeper understanding of who God is and will meet you in the pain of your loss and point you to Him” (page 13).

Grieving the Child I Never Knew is a powerful book consisting of 31 devotions that are intended to help begin the journey of grief and healing. It is a journey that I am embarking on. If you find yourself in a similar circumstance, I invite you to join me. I will be giving this book to anyone in my life that loses a child.

(Oh, and Diane, thanks for being with me as I begin yet another journey. You are a blessing.)

I’m a self-confessed safety nut. When it comes to safety, I play by the rules. This is especially true when it comes to children and safety. Car seats, seat belts, bike helmets, bicycle laws, pedestrian laws…you name it. I’ve been known to dial 911 when I see an unbuckled kid flailing around a car. (I lost a dear friend in a car accident because he wasn’t buckled.)

Anyway, I just stumbled across these statistics on bicycle helmet safety. I thought they were important enough to share. 1 in 8 cyclists with a reported bicycle injury has a brain injury. Yet a very high percentage (45 to 88 percent!) of cyclists’ brain injuries can be prevented by the use of a helmet.

Wow. Helmets are cheap, costing less than $10 to $20 for helmets that meet the CPSC standard guidelines. I wonder if I should keep a stash of helmets in my garage to hand out to kids…

MN is one of only 14 States that doesn’t have a mandatory helmet law. This simply doesn’t make sense to me…especially when I consider the safety advantages to children (and everyone!) of wearing a helmet while biking.

One of the things I most cherish about my husband is that he is my teammate. We often make references to each other as such. “Thanks Partner” is a common phrase around our house. This is how we approach our life as husband and wife and as parents. We are a team. We stick together, we work together, we have fun together.

Mike spent his teenage summers at Lee Valley Ranch. I’ve been blessed to spend a portion of five summers at Lee Valley since Mike has come into my life. The Bible verse that best describes the focus of Lee Valley Ranch is Romans 12:9-13: Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

A principle that is gleaned off of this passage is the thought that “there is something for everyone to do.” It doesn’t matter how old, how young, how healthy, how ill, etc., there is always something for you to do. Pastor Dick Borrud, camp director, ingrains this thought in everyone who comes through camp. It’s an effective way to keep the camp running, but an even more powerful life lesson about living a life of Mission. There is something for everyone to do. You are never too old, too young, too weary, too sick, too heartbroken or too busy to live a life of mission. God will always give me “something to do” to make an eternal impact in the Mission field in which He calls me. Right now, my mission field is largely in my home, immediate neighborhood and through “kid contacts” in my life.

One of our goals as parents is to ingrain in our boys this same principal. “There is something for everyone to do.” We want our kids to learn this principal on a practical level so that it can be ingrained in them on a spiritual level. The past two days have been an object lesson of this in our family. We have gotten so many projects done – de-cluttered closets and the storage room, stained the deck, yard work, cleaned out/washed the van, washed down the house, etc. It has been very productive – a lot of work, but also a lot of fun!

Days like these allow us opportunities to teach our boys that our family is a team. We pitch in and stick together…through thick and thin. Sometimes we are having a blast, sometimes we are tired, sometimes we are overwhelmed. Regardless, we are a team and we stick together. Days like today allow us to live out the principle that “there is something for everyone to do.” Our prayer is that by doing these mundane daily tasks, our boys are learning spiritual lessons that will stay with them through their lives. There’s something else that’s pretty amazing…this has been a physically exhausting weekend for many reasons. Yet, with everyone pitching in, we’ve had a lot of laughter, fun and memories made (Just ask Noah who attacked Mike and me with the hose today! ) Everyone is a vital part of the team. What a lesson of Kingdom work!

This aspect of my family as my team has been particularly important to me this weekend. My body has begun to miscarry our baby. It’s been an emotional two days for me. What has been powerful is that although I’ve been sad at times, I’ve also laughed hard, I’ve smiled and I’ve loved life. I’ve been able be with my 3 boys who support me and love me through thick and thin. They see me at my best and at my worst. They love me regardless. This is an amazing truth. It is powerful to travel through this painful journey with my team supporting me, loving me and cheering me on. My team has ministered to me a lot this weekend….Mike, Noah and Levi. What a gift to be on this team.

I was regretting the past,
fearing the future.

Then …. suddenly
my Lord was speaking.

My name is
I AM
He paused.
I waited.
He continued.

When you live in the past
with its mistakes and regrets
it is hard.

I AM
not there.
My name is not
I WAS.

When you live in the future
with its problems and fears,
it is hard.

I AM
not there.
My name is not
I WILL BE.

When you live in this moment,
it is not hard.

I AM
here.
My name is
I AM.

(Written by Helen Mallicoate)

I’m in a Bible study called Bible Study Fellowship. BSF has been a powerful way for me to study Scripture in-depth, verse by verse, and to grow in my understanding of the Bible as a whole. We have spent the past 9 months studying the book of Matthew.

I was able to be there last Wednesday (despite a streak of sickness in my kids as of late). Have you ever had the feeling you are exactly where you were supposed to be? That’s where I was that day. I hadn’t done my homework, so I wasn’t allowed to share anything during small group time. I was forced to sit and absorb. Sometimes it is powerful to be in that position. This was one of those times. The text was on Christ’s Resurrection. Powerful reality for me that morning.

During our lecture, the following thoughts were given to me: No matter how strong the opposition looks, God’s power is stronger. Even the worst of circumstances can be the way that God brings about His glory. He promises to show me HIS way though each circumstance. Nothing is too impossible for God.

To top it all off, we sang my favorite hymn, “I know that my Redeemer Lives.” My heart soared as the sanctuary filled with women sang out the last two verses. Powerful words. Powerful worship.

I know that my Redeemer lives;
What comfort this sweet sentence gives!
He lives, He lives, who once was dead;
He lives, my ever-living Head.

He lives triumphant from the grave,
He lives eternally to save,
He lives all-glorious in the sky,
He lives exalted there on high.

He lives to bless me with His love,
He lives to plead for me above.
He lives my hungry soul to feed,
He lives to help in time of need.

He lives to grant me rich supply,
He lives to guide me with His eye,
He lives to comfort me when faint,
He lives to hear my soul’s complaint.

He lives to silence all my fears,
He lives to wipe away my tears
He lives to calm my troubled heart,
He lives all blessings to impart.

He lives, my kind, wise, heavenly Friend,
He lives and loves me to the end;
He lives, and while He lives, I’ll sing;
He lives, my Prophet, Priest, and King.

He lives and grants me daily breath;
He lives, and I shall conquer death:
He lives my mansion to prepare;
He Iives to bring me safely there.

He lives, all glory to His name!
He lives, my Jesus, still the same.
Oh, the sweet joy this sentence gives,
“I know that my Redeemer lives!”

(FYI: My upcoming posts may be a bit lighter. We’ve started giving Levi solids and I’m having a lot of fun making his baby food. I’ve enjoyed doing this for both of my boys. I’ll post more on that soon – what I do and my reasoning behind it.)

Just over two weeks ago, we found out the surprising news that we were pregnant! WOW! Not at all what we were expecting. I can honestly say that I was caught off-guard. I have spent the last two weeks journeying through a whole host of emotions. Here is a glimpse into some of the dialog I had with the Lord over the past two weeks…

Me: Lord, how am I going to do this? I’m going to have three kids, all 4 years old and younger! How on earth will I ever meet their needs, especially when the younger two are only 14 months apart?!
Lord: “Not by power, nor by might, but by my Spirit.” Zechariah 4:6

Me: But God, this isn’t how it was planned! (And you know how it stresses me out not to “stick to the plan.”)
Lord: “In his heart, a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9).

Me: But how on earth will I have the energy to do this? How will I have the strength to be the mom you are calling me to be…the mom I seek to be?
Lord: “The Joy of the Lord is my strength.” Nehemiah 4:6

Tuesday, May 13th, Mike and I went in for an early ultrasound. According to my calendar, I was 8 weeks 1 day pregnant. This is plenty old enough to see the baby and it’s heartbeat. Although the ultrasound showed a gestational sack, there was no sign of a baby. We lost this baby. The ultrasound indicated that our baby died at 5 weeks, 4 days.

Back in this place again. I was here almost exactly 2 years ago (the Friday before Memorial weekend 2006). This is a place I never wanted to visit again. It is a lonely place. As I stand in this place and look around, I find that it is a little different this time. I find it not to be quite as devastating but still filled with grief and pain. There is a bit of fear here…why another miscarriage? Will this be a trend that continues for me? Will I be able to have more children? There is sadness here…another baby that I won’t meet until heaven. This is a lonely place…no one else can feel what I do. No one else knows what it is like to have the hormones in my body still think I am pregnant, even though I am not. It’s hard to convince my heart when my body doesn’t believe. This all seems eerily familiar.

God has been preparing me for this; I know that full well. I’ve even suspected it at times and resisted. I don’t believe in accidents. Two weeks ago, I stumbled upon a blog by Angie Smith. Bring the Rain. She lost a baby girl, hours after giving birth. Hers is a powerful journey that is worth the read. I’ve been journeying along with her the past two weeks…crying, praying, and relating. Just this evening, she posted the following and it mirrors well what I am feeling at this moment.

“I am disappointed with God.
Do I praise Him? Yes.
Do I love Him deeply and with abandon? Yes.
Do I trust him? Yes.
Am I disappointed that our children are gone? I am.

I have said it before, but it bears repeating. He isn’t intimidated by my disappointment. It doesn’t make God turn away from me because I wish that things were different sometimes, in fact, it makes Him come nearer.”

As I’m sitting here this evening, I am very aware of God’s presence. He is here with me. It strikes me that He is the same yesterday, today and forever. (Hebrews 13:8). That will never change. He holds the yesterdays, the today’s and the forever in his hand. He holds each of my 4 beautiful children in his hands and loves them beyond measure, with His infinite wisdom. Before He formed each of them in my womb, He knew them. Before they were born, they were set apart. (Jeremiah 1:4) I believe that with every ounce my being. Two of my baby’s will never need to experience the pain of life, the effects of sin, broken hearts or broken dreams. However, that also means that, at least on this side of heaven, I will never be able to feel two of my babies’ arms wrapped around my neck in the kind of hug only a mommy gets. I’ll never be able to kiss their owies or experience the miracle of watching them grow.

My questions are different than they have been over the past 2 ½ weeks. The Lord’s answer remains the same. He doesn’t change according to my circumstances. He is the same yesterday, today and forever.

Me: Lord, I don’t want to be in this place again. How am I going to do this?
Lord: “Not by power, nor by might, but by my Spirit.” Zechariah 4:6

Me: But God, this isn’t how it was planned! As much as this baby took me by surprise, I welcomed this child into my heart. The death of my children grieves me. Oh how I wish I could catch a glimpse of this from your eternal perspective.
Lord: “In his heart, a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9).

Me: Lord, I am weary…physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally.
Lord: “The Joy of the Lord is my strength.” Nehemiah 4:6

I find myself praising God for the miracle of Noah and the miracle of Levi. I hold them close and give them extra hugs, kisses and snuggles. My heart aches. I stand in awe of the miracle of life. I stand in awe of the miracle of my four children. I am blessed.

Perhaps you’ve been here before. I find myself here this evening. The lyrics to this song struck a cord deep within me.

All I can say
by david crowder

Lord, I’m tired
So tired from walking
And Lord, I’m so alone
And Lord, the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I’ll stop
Rest here awhile

And this is all I can say right now
And this is all that I can give,
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
That’s my everything

And didn’t you see me cry’n?
And didn’t you hear me call your name?
Wasn’t it you I gave my heart to?
I wish you’d remember
Where you sat it down

And this is all that I can say right now, I know it’s not much
And this is all that I can give, yeah that’s my everything
And this is all that I can say right now, I know it’s not much
And this is all that I can give, yeah that’s my everything.

I didn’t notice You were standing here
I didn’t know that
That was You holding me
I didn’t notice You were cry’n too
I didn’t know
That was you washing my feet

And this is all that I can say right now, I know it’s not much
And this is all that I can give, yeah that’s my everything
And this is all that I can say right now, I know it’s not much
And this is all that I can give, yeah that’s my everything

This is all that I can say right now, I know it’s not much
This is all that I can give, yeah that’s my everything.
Yeah, that’s my everything
Yeah, that’s my everything
Everything.

What a wonderful day. As I reflect upon it, all I can think is “I am blessed beyond measure.”

I have an amazing husband who is my partner, my soulmate and my best friend. He is the best teammate I could ask for. I am blessed beyond measure.

I have two terrific boys. I spent time with each of them today. Noah and I snuggled on the couch this morning and just enjoyed each other. Mike and I enjoyed his concert complete with his guitar and “cool” sunglasses. I went on a long walk with all 3 of my boys…Noah rode his bike. Levi was full of smiles and snuggles. They are growing so fast. I experience a miracle each day as I watch my boys grow. I am blessed beyond measure.

My husband surprised me with an i-pod shuffle. I love it! We don’t have a lot of room for “extras” in life. Even more than the gift, I’m touched by his sacrifice to buy it. I am blessed beyond measure.

We went to the cemetery today. You may know that we lost a baby 2 years ago this month. I was able to go to the marker and spend some time reflecting on this little blessing on this Mother’s day. This is my Glory Baby, whom I eagerly wait to meet and hold in Heaven. I am blessed beyond measure.

Lord, help me not to lose sight of the blessings you put in my life each day. Open my eyes to the miracles that I experience in each day. Protect me from getting so busy that I miss out on the gift of your blessings in the ordinary things of life.

Welcome to my blog. I am a wife, a mom of two young boys and a follower of Jesus Christ. I seek to serve the Lord in each of these areas.

Join me as I journey on this road of wifehood, motherhood and discipleship. We’ll spend time exploring some of my passions: pregnancy/childbirth, breastfeeding, parenting, being a wife, bargain shopping, growing in faith and how I try to glorify God through each of these. (just to name a few!)

I’m the first to admit that many of these topics are extremely personal. Please take from my posts what is helpful to you and leave behind what isn’t!