Heidi Bruder

Mike and I continually marvel over how wonderful our neighbors are.  Truly, they are wonderful.  They are not just our neighbors, they are our close friends and many are like family to us.  We are continually amazed at the sense of community that exists in Fridley.  We know our neighbors, like our neighbors and hang out with our neighbors.  I don’t know how I’d ever leave them if we were to move someday.

Our immediate next door neighbor is particularly special to us.  The boys have adopted her into our family.  She is always ready with a hug for the boys or some new adventuresome activity for Noah.  She is my sanity on many days when I’m going stir crazy…she is always ready to chat for a few minutes.  She has been a prayer warrior for us more times than I can remember.  We are also both in BSF so she’s the person I go to when I am utterly stuck on a question.  In addition, she has a backyard full of stunning flowers that I get to enjoy all summer long!  She is a beautiful person, through and through.

Take this afternoon, for example.  Our dryer quit working on Saturday morning.  I had some things in my washer that I really needed to get dry.  I asked if she minded if I hung them out on her clothesline.  A few minutes after I hung them up, she called and asked if she could dry them in her dryer for me since the humidity was so high (they probably would have still been wet on Labor Day!).  Not only did she dry them, she folded and delivered them as well!  WOW.

This is just a glimpse into how wonderful our neighbor is.  We Love you, Joanne!

Hard to believe that it is already Wednesday.  Vacation weeks go by too quickly.  It’s been a fun week of relaxing, golf (Mike, not me), swimming, tubing, boating and today it was fishing.  This fishing adventure has been a long time coming for Noah.  He and his buddy Simon have been telling each other tales of fishing for weeks.  Noah was excited and ready to catch “the big one.”

We arrived at Bug Bee Hive Resort on Saturday evening.  While we were still in the process of unpacking the van, Noah asked Grandpa, “when are we going fishing?”  Someone gave the answer, “we’ll go fishing the day after golf.”  (I know some of you die-hard fishermen would hit the water right away, but it’s quite a process to get 3 kids, their poles, life jackets and snacks down the lake  As my mom said, “There wasn’t this much to-do when the Mayflower left!”).

Monday was the big day of golf for the dads and grandpa.  Well, first thing Tuesday morning, Noah ventured upstairs and wandered over to Grandpa.  He leaned against his chair and said, “Hey Grandpa, today’s fishing day!”

I was lucky enough to accompany Grandpa out with the grandkids.  The excitement level was high.  “We’re going fishing!”  “I’m going to catch a fish!”  “We’ll catch enough to have fish for supper!”  Here are some fun pictures of the hard-core fisher-kids.

Now here are some pictures from approximately 7 Minutes later:

The classic conversation came from my niece.  Grandpa mentioned that it was almost time to head in.
Kyla: I don’t want to stop fishing!!!
Grandpa:  Oh, ok.  Here, hold your fishing pole.
Kyla:  No, you can hold it.

What a fun morning with the kiddos.  Surprise of all surprises, we actually caught a fish!

It’s pretty amusing to watch 3 kids try to be quiet.  They know they should be, but they make more of a ruckus telling each other to be quiet than they were making in the first place.  Somehow, it’s not hard to imagine why the fish stay away.  ☺  Fun times!

(Oh, and it’s REALLY good to watch Mike relax after a crazy few months at work!  He’s been enjoying himself being super-dad and super-uncle and even getting in some WOW time!  No homework this year…Yay!)

I just realized that I didn’t post a picture of Levi, who is having a great week.  So, just to be fair…   (As a side note, he is pulling himself up on things and taking steps when we hold his hands!  Where does time go?!)

My Grandma came home from Montana today!  She has been there for nearly 5 months, caring for an ailing friend.  What a joyful reunion we had at the airport today!  The great-grandkids were ecstatic to see her and it was obvious the feelings were mutual.  What a festive homecoming!!!  It is SO to have her home…Just in time to get up to the lake on Saturday!  I’ve really missed my grandma the past 5 months.

Speaking of the lake, I found out last night that my cousin (and dear friend!) Megan, is able to be there!  I’m thrilled.  She lives in Billings, MT and I haven’t seen her in 2 years.  I’m excited to have an entire week to connect with her and her mom!  This is going to be a great vacation!!!

Here are a few pictures of the reunion at the airport.

I am a journaler.  I love to journal.  I enjoy being able to look back and see how the Lord has answered prayers and led me through difficult times.  I was looking back over my journals tonight and I saw one that caught my eye.  On Thanksgiving Day 2007, I was asked to share a short message on “Thanks-Living in New Blessings.”  At the time, Levi was a mere 5 weeks old.  I’d like to share it here because as I read it, I was struck again by how faithful my God is.  The Joy of the Lord is my strength.  The Joy He provides isn’t a reaction to life’s circumstances.  It is a constant in each and every circumstance.  This is a powerful reality as I am in the midst of a journey through a whole host of emotions.   Have my circumstances changes since Thanksgiving 2007?  Absolutely.  Has my God?  Absolutely not.

November 22, 2007
THANKS-LIVING IN NEW BLESSING:

1 Samuel 1:26-28: And Hannah said to him, “As surely as you live, my lord, I am the woman who stood here beside you praying to the LORD.  I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD.” And she worshiped the LORD there.

The past three years of parenting have been an amazing journey of blessing, challenge, joy, heartache, being humbled and standing in awe of the blessings God has given to me. I’ve learned that I have a lot to learn about being a mom and that I can’t do it apart from relying upon the Lord.  The words of Nehemiah in Nehemiah 8:10 have been a resounding theme through my time as a mother.  These words read, “The Joy of the Lord is my Strength.”

Mike and I have been blessed greatly with three children. I can honestly say that my greatest desire as a mother is that my children belong to the Lord.

Noah is a 3 year old that brings countless smiles to my heart.  His affectionate hugs and kisses, his love of instruments and his constant climbing and activity level keep my life from being anything but boring!  In the times of laughter and in the challenges of raising a 3 year old, I am reminded again of the words of Nehemiah, “The Joy of the Lord is my strength.”  I thank God for the joy of raising Noah.

Our middle child died in my womb before we were ever able to hold or kiss him.  We call have named this precious little one our “Glory Baby.”  The loss of this child brought profound pain and sadness to my life.  However, it has also brought blessing beyond anything I could have imagined.  I rest knowing that my Glory Baby is resting in my Savior’s arms.  I am confident that one day, I will be united with this precious child.  I look forward to the day that I can hold, kiss and rock this little one.  Through the pain and the blessings of Glory Baby’s short life and Glory baby’s untimely death, I confidently say that “the Joy of the Lord is my Strength.”

Just 5 weeks ago, the Lord blessed us with a baby boy, Levi Alan.  As we marvel again at the miracle of life, we praise God for the gift of a healthy baby.  Through the wonder of seeing Levi’s little fingers wrap around mine, the challenges of sleepless nights, and all the concern that come with having a newborn, I can truly say that the “Joy of the Lord is my Strength.”

We have chosen each of our children’s names in large part because of their meaning.  Noah means “rest and comforter.”  In the Bible, Noah listened to the Lord and was obedient to him when it wasn’t evident what the Lord’s plan was. Our prayer is that our Noah will live his life learning to listen to, and obey the Lord, even in the face of great opposition and when it is the hard thing to do.

The name Levi means to “join or belong.”  Our prayer is that the Lord will daily join Levi to Him, binding Levi’s heart to His.  We pray that the Lord will allow Levi to serve Him the way the tribe of Levi served the Lord.

I truly Praise the Lord this Thanksgiving for the blessings he has given to me…the blessings of a wonderful husband, a delightful 3 year old boy, my Glory Baby, and the new blessing of a beautiful, healthy boy.

And so, I close with the words of Hannah from 1 Samuel, “I prayed for these children, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give them to the LORD. For their whole life they will be given over to the LORD.”

I don’t know who originally wrote this. I first read it on the fridge of a family I babysat for. It struck home. I wanted to share it with you on this Father’s Day. Happy Father’s Day to all you dads…especially those in my life!

My Father

When I was:
Four years old: My daddy can do anything.
Five years old: My daddy knows a whole lot.
Six years old: My dad is smarter than your dad.
Eight years old: My dad doesn’t know exactly everything.
Ten years old: In the olden days, when my dad grew up, things were sure different.
Twelve years old: Oh, well, naturally, Dad doesn’t know anything about that. He is too old to remember his childhood.
Fourteen years old: Don’t pay any attention to my dad. He is so old-fashioned.
Twenty-one years old: Him? He’s hopelessly out of date.
Twenty-five years old: Dad knows about it, but then he should, because he has been around so long.
Thirty years old: Maybe we should ask Dad what he thinks. After all, he’s had a lot of experience.
Thirty-five years old: I’m not doing a single thing until I talk to Dad.
Forty years old: I wonder how Dad would have handled it. He was so wise.
Fifty years old: I’d give anything if Dad were here now so I could talk this over with him. Too bad I didn’t appreciate how smart he was. I could have learned a lot from him.

Here’s an amazing story. When I went to the mail box yesterday, there was an envelope addressed to “Mr. Michael and Heidi Bruder” with no return address. Instead of tossing it down on the counter to look at later, I paused to open it. Inside was a money order for the amount of $180!!!! No name, no envelope, no note…a total random act of kindness!

I don’t know who has blessed us in this way, but whoever you are, THANK YOU! You have blessed us in an amazing way this week as we had just received a monstrous health care bill the day before and money was going to be extremely tight to buy groceries. Thank you for blessing us and allowing the Lord to remind us that, “our God shall supply ALL our needs according to His riches in glory!” (Philiipians 4:19). I am humbled and so thankful. What an awesome God (and friends!) we have!

Before I begin, I’d like to preface this post with two thoughts…
1. This post is not for everyone.
2. This is my own (unscientific) experience of two different miscarriages…one by d&c and one by spontaneous miscarriage. Your experience will be different. If you would like to share your story, please do. I’ve found there is healing in sharing our stories.

In many ways, the past month has been a blur. The past 14 days have been rough. But we’ve journeyed through each day by the grace of God and with the support of family and friends. What a blessing you have been. As I’m nearing the end of the physical aspect of my spontaneous miscarriage, I feel led to share my experiences.

I’ve now lost two babies. I have had two very different types of miscarriages. One was with a d&c, the other by spontaneous (natural) miscarriage…Two miscarriages, two drastically different experiences. It was our choice to allow this miscarriage to happen on its own.

As we were trying to decide what to do, I was unable to find any reliable online sources that would describe what a spontaneous miscarriage would physically feel like. This was very frustrating. I posted a thread on babycenter.com and asked women to share their stories. I now realize that there is no reliable source describing a spontaneous miscarriage because every body miscarries differently. For some women, it is a painless one-time event. For some women it goes on and on with extreme amounts of pain. Most women fall somewhere in the middle.

My body struggled with a spontaneous miscarriage. It lasted for 12 days. During this time, I felt (at best) as though I had the flu and it got worse from there. I had my hcg levels tested weekly to ensure they were dropping at an appropriate rate.
- Day 1 began with mild cramping and spotting.
- For a 4 hour period on Day 7/8, I experienced intense pain and cramping. I felt as though I was in labor. I have given birth naturally. I found this to be more intense than labor. Upon reflection, this was probably because I was not working toward the goal of new life…only towards losing my baby.
- Day 8 involved an increase in blood.
- Day 10 and 11 involved a lot of tissue loss. Towards the end of day 11, I lost my gestational sack. For me, losing the sack felt like delivering a placenta. It wasn’t painful. In fact it brought a sense of relief.
- Day 12 saw a decrease in blood, which has continued every day since.

Having a d&c (dilation and curettage) was not easy either. I remember coming out of the procedure with an intense feeling of emptiness. This emptiness continued for many days. In some ways, it was difficult not to have experienced the physical aspect of miscarriage. I also found it quite stressful not to be able to nurse Noah immediately after the procedure. (I have found out since that things could have been done differently so that this wouldn’t have been an issue if I had been more assertive with the doctors). My physical recovery from the d&c took about 2 days. During that time, I experienced mild cramps that were controllable with Advil.

I found that both a d&c and a spontaneous miscarriage were difficult physically and emotionally, but in drastically different ways. Overall, however, if I were to do it all over again, I would choose to have a d&c. I found that it was difficult to be “mom” when I was experiencing all that I did over the 12 day period. I was stressed to the max because I wasn’t able to be the mom I expect myself to be. This added to all the other emotional baggage I was carrying.

There is no right or wrong way to choose to have a miscarriage. It’s a difficult and painful journey regardless of the way it happens. It is a personal decision that only you can make. Regardless of how it happens, it is important to be in close communication with your midwife or OB.

This has been a long journey. I’ve learned a lot. I am confident that, like the loss of our first baby, God is going to use this loss to accomplish things in me and through me. He has an eternal view of things that I’m unable to see (and for that I’m most grateful!)

The conclusion that I have reached at this point in the journey is that there is NO easy way to lose a baby. I’ve been reflecting upon this thought a lot. A woman’s body was created to sustain life. Before sin entered the world, this is what Eve’s body did. It sustained and gave birth to life. With the entrance of sin into the world came death. Death is ugly. There is no other way to describe it. Death is so ugly that Christ had to come and live, die and rise in my place to remove the grip it had upon me. Physical death is ugly. Physical death hurts. Praise God that I will never have to experience spiritual death. Praise God that I have the promise of heaven and eternal life! Praise God that two of my children are safe in His arms until the day I meet them. Truly, there is no easy way to lose a baby. However, I have found that there is peace in knowing where they are.

One other thought I’ve been mulling on is that as hard as death is, it has made me appreciate the gift of life in ways I used to take for granted. I am blessed with the gift of an amazing soulmate and two special boys. Lord, thank you for opening my eyes to the sacredness of life.

Now it’s time to stop reflecting and enjoy my baby who just woke up!

I had a sacred moment today. It was 3 pm. Noah awoke from an extraordinarily long nap and was drowsy. He stumbled out of bed and padded into the living room. He saw me resting on the couch and climbed in under the blanket next to me. We laid there for 20 minutes looking out the window, watching the storm roll in and the birds swoop down over the lake. We talked about everything…how do birds keep from bumping into one another? How do birds talk? Do the trees protect the birds from rain? This was 20 minutes to snuggle and savor the inquisitive mind of a 3 year old. 20 minutes to enjoy the innocence of childhood. 20 minutes to see the world through the eyes of a preschooler. They grow up so fast. This was a sacred moment. Thank you Lord.