Grad School:

As I write this, Mike is at the last class session of his MBA program!  Wow.  2 years, a lot of life changes and an intense amount of hard work later and he is done!  It is time to celebrate!!!  I hope his classmates have started tonight!  (I should note that his last class period was at O’Gara’s in St. Paul – his classmates and many of his profs were going to be present…I’m sure it’s very academic.    ).  I am so proud of Mike and this achievement!  Graduation is May 16th!   I hope you can join us later this summer because we are going to have a big party to celebrate! As busy as the past two years have been, I marvel at God’s provision in terms of time, energy and endurance for our entire family.  Mike and I have often commented that although this period of life has been busy and involved a lot of juggling, it has never been a burden.  I’m excited to see what the “next” chapter holds for us as a family.

Pregnancy Update:

I had my 39 week appointment today with my midwife.  Again, it’s hard to wrap my mind around the reality of Rachel’s impending arrivial!  We are all getting excited.  Rachel has dropped quite a bit since my last appointment.  She is at -1 at this point and her head is no longer able to be felt externally  so we’re heading in the right direction!  Contractions are an everyday part of life.  I probably have 3 dozen+/day.  They increase as the day goes on, but haven’t progressed.  They aren’t painful, just keeping me aware of Rachel’s presence!

A friend asked me today how I’m doing with the “waiting.”  As of now (remember I am dealing with an extreme amount of hormones so this could change at any point!   ), I am content.  Both Noah and Levi were nearly 42 weeks before they made their arrivial so I’m psyched up for a wait.  More than anything, however, I’m just enjoying time with my boys and the relative “simplicity” of life.  I’m especially trying to soak up time with Levi…he is still such a little guy and I’ve been enjoying a lot of extra hugs and snuggles.  It’s difficult for me to fathom that he’s soon going to be a “big brother.”  I can see my own “middle child syndrome” coming out as I process through how I’m going to meet the needs of each of the children.

Prayer Requests:

Someone asked me how they can be praying for us.  My two prayer requests at this point are as follows…

1.  The details and timing surrounding Rachel’s birth.  Levi’s birth was short.  We know that there isn’t time to waste when labor begins with Rachel.  I’m praying we are all able to get to where we need to be in a relatively stress-free fashion.

2.  The upcoming adjustment for our entire family — especially for Noah and Levi.
More to follow in the coming days!

We need to talk about the food shelf.
We need to talk.

There seems to be a misunderstanding about the food shelf. And I’d like to take a moment to help you understand the purpose of it and to give you a better picture of the kind of people it serves. You can’t turn on the radio or walk into a local business this time of year without seeing some kind of food drive or request for canned goods. My grocery stores offer grocery bags already filled with food shelf items that you can buy for $5 or $10. You bring a canned item to the local tanning booth and you get a free tan. (Not a joke).

What catalyzed this conversation (and I really hope that it is) is an e-mail I got from Caribou Coffee, one of the largest coffee chains here in MN. Their latest promotion is to get you, the kind-hearted consumer, to purchase a pound of coffee beans to donate to the local food shelf. And you get a free drink for doing so. Woohoo. Caribou says that one of the most requested food items is coffee. So let’s all fight hunger in the US by donating at $12/lb bag of coffee, right? As you can already tell, I’m dripping with sarcasm.

So let’s talk about the purpose of the food shelf. Pretty simple, right? People don’t have enough money for food. Some people spend their money on lottery tickets. Some people don’t make more than minimum wage. Some are bums. Some are hard-working families who just don’t make enough to cover the rent and food. Some have too much credit card debt and can’t afford food. Some just got laid off from their high-paying jobs and didn’t have any savings. The kinds of people that visit the food shelf are as varied as the fish in the sea. The point is, you have to get the stereotype out of your head. They are people. Families. Those with needs…so pretty much people like me and you.

Although the food shelf (especially those supported by the government) does get money to purchase food, they are greatly dependent on the generosity of people. People like me and you.

So here’s my beef. What would happen if instead of donating a basket of nonperishables that can actually fill a belly and are healthy, everyone decided to donate a pound of bitter coffee? Or what if we continued to empty out our cupboards of ONLY the extra cans of jellied cranberries, lime Jell-O, generic tuna casserolle (but not the $4 jar of alfredo sauce–that’s too yummy) for the food drive? Here’s what would happen…a family in need would go to the food shelf and walk away with a box containing things like this: a bag of stale donuts, a container of caramel corn, a box of candy canes, a really old box of hamburger helper, etc. You think that doesn’t happen. It did. To me.

Not more than 4 years ago Skip and I moved our family back to Minnesota from California. We were financially destitute. Poor choices, high cost of living and a job that paid next to nothing put us in a very bad financial position. I had to swallow my pride and sign our family up at the local food shelf. In my mind, the food shelf was only reserved for those on welfare. Not so. While most of my experience with the food shelf was wonderful, when we moved to another county, I was horrified at what they had to offer. A grocery bag of stale donuts. A container of caramel corn. A box of candy canes. Seriously. How was I supposed to feed my family with crap like that? Although many Americans would be excited about a package of danishes, I was not. I wanted something that would nourish us, not make us fat. That was my last trip to the food shelf.

So we are at a crossroads now. My kids have had food drives at school this month. There will undoubtedly be a group going door-to-door collecting food for the food shelf. What are you going to give? Are you going to weed out the cans that have been sitting there for over a year because you won’t eat them, thinking, “Hey, if someone is really hungry enough, they’ll eat anything!” Or will you fill that bag with the kind of food you feed yourself or your own children? Essentially you are feeding someone else’s kids. Would you have someone over and feed them crappy food? You know you wouldn’t. You would probably spend more on company than you normally would on your own family. Why not hold off on that $12 bag of coffee and go fill your cart with quality food for another family. Then drive it over to the food shelf yourself and volunteer to hand it out. I guarantee your perspective will change. Or think of us. Would you have my family over to dinner and feed it to us? Make your donations really count. Make it a sacrifice because then it will really mean something to you instead of being a relief that you can finally get your cupboard space back.

And if donating your lime Jell-O is a sacrifice, then do it. Just make sure you donate that can of pears too. Because Minnesotans can’t eat lime Jell-O without pears.

Little did I know how this book was about to change my life. I’m excited to report that 10 months later, we have paid off $11,316.78 in debt! To God alone be the glory! We also cut up every single one of our credit cards and haven’t looked back (or even needed them for that matter!) We are not done yet. We still have a lot of debt to pay off…everything from car loans to student loans, but we are on our way to living debt free.

I can’t begin to express to you the freedom that has come along with this. I no longer feel enslaved to bills and finances. I’m no longer fearful about the future of our finances. Although getting out of debt had been our goal all along, we needed help knowing a “logical” way to pay off our debts and keep a budget.

In the past year, God has taught me a fundamental truth…He will always provide. Since going down to one income, I had come to trust the plastic in my wallet before even allowing God the opportunity to provide. I don’t think I really believed that He could or would provide for me in a practical, everyday sort of way. I’d read His promises in Scripture, but I didn’t apply them to my life. I had turned borrowing money into a god in my life instead of trusting the One who provides. I don’t think I really believed His promises like those in Philippians 4:19, “My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” God has (and still is) having to change my mindset about needs vs. wants in life. He has faithfully provided for every one of our needs and always on time. God is faithful to everyone of His promises. He has (and continues) to provide in some very unusual and some miraculous ways.

October 26th. Happy 4th Birthday Noah! Wow, it is impossible to believe that you are already 4 years old! (I’m stuck by how quickly time passes. More and more, I wish I had a pause button to push on life.)

Noah, I’m so proud of who you are. You are someone who loves deeply. God is going to use that to accomplish great things in and through you. You have the gift of love and compassion. You care deeply. It is awesome to see that in you! I know that at times you are going to bear the weight of the world on your shoulders (kind of like your mom!) but I also know that this sort of love is an amazing gift. I love your laugh, your smile and most of all your wink. (You know exactly when and how to use that!) Daddy and I marvel as we watch your love of music develop – drums and guitars are such a huge part of our home right now. It’s so fun to play Legos and make-believe with you. Every day with you is an adventure! Your inquisitive mind certainly keeps me on my toes! 4 is a very cool age and you are a very cool kid!

Happy Birthday Buddy! I pray that you have a spectacular year as you grow in God’s grace and love!
Love, Mommy

1.  How busy life is with boys…no piece of furniture is safe.  In most cases it is either a trampoline or a hurdle.
2.  That my children teach me a magnitude about faith, love and trust.
3.  That each day I’d learn what it means to die to self and put the needs of someone else before mine.
4.  That my swiffer is also a guitar, race car, and fire hose.
5.  The meaning and sheer depth of unconditional love.
6.  That somehow at the end of the most difficult day, I can look back and find reasons to smile.
7.  That I could fall even more in love with my husband as I watch him wrestle, build and play with the boys.
8.  How eerie, humbling and sometimes convicting it is to see my “isms” reflected in my boys.
9.  That my every move is watched and mimicked…especially when I least realize it.
10.  That anything of substantial height is a mountain needing to be scaled.
11.  That parenting really is the toughest job I could ever love.
12.  The feeling in my heart when two big blue eyes look up at me and impulsively say, “I love you, Mom” or “You’re the best mom in the world.”
13.  That I don’t have all the “answers” for being a mom.
14.  The number of hours I would spend pretending to be someone I am not (Dora, Wendy from Bob the Builder, Princess Presto and Wonder Red to name a few…)
16.  How astounding it is to see faith develop in my children.
17.  That one of my best role models of perseverance and resilience would be found in my 11-month-old son as he learns to walk.
18.  That my Mission Field would begin in my own home and go out from there.
19.  The power of touch.
20.  That sometimes all I can do is pray. (And if I only realized this sooner, the day would be a lot better off!)
21.  That my children can be prayer warriors.
22. The depth of which my heart would ache when my child is hurting.
23. What it means to have “faith like a child.”
24. That I wish life had a “pause” button.

Our immediate next door neighbor is particularly special to us.  The boys have adopted her into our family.  She is always ready with a hug for the boys or some new adventuresome activity for Noah.  She is my sanity on many days when I’m going stir crazy…she is always ready to chat for a few minutes.  She has been a prayer warrior for us more times than I can remember.  We are also both in BSF so she’s the person I go to when I am utterly stuck on a question.  In addition, she has a backyard full of stunning flowers that I get to enjoy all summer long!  She is a beautiful person, through and through.

Take this afternoon, for example.  Our dryer quit working on Saturday morning.  I had some things in my washer that I really needed to get dry.  I asked if she minded if I hung them out on her clothesline.  A few minutes after I hung them up, she called and asked if she could dry them in her dryer for me since the humidity was so high (they probably would have still been wet on Labor Day!).  Not only did she dry them, she folded and delivered them as well!  WOW.

This is just a glimpse into how wonderful our neighbor is.  We Love you, Joanne!

My Father

When I was:
Four years old: My daddy can do anything.
Five years old: My daddy knows a whole lot.
Six years old: My dad is smarter than your dad.
Eight years old: My dad doesn’t know exactly everything.
Ten years old: In the olden days, when my dad grew up, things were sure different.
Twelve years old: Oh, well, naturally, Dad doesn’t know anything about that. He is too old to remember his childhood.
Fourteen years old: Don’t pay any attention to my dad. He is so old-fashioned.
Twenty-one years old: Him? He’s hopelessly out of date.
Twenty-five years old: Dad knows about it, but then he should, because he has been around so long.
Thirty years old: Maybe we should ask Dad what he thinks. After all, he’s had a lot of experience.
Thirty-five years old: I’m not doing a single thing until I talk to Dad.
Forty years old: I wonder how Dad would have handled it. He was so wise.
Fifty years old: I’d give anything if Dad were here now so I could talk this over with him. Too bad I didn’t appreciate how smart he was. I could have learned a lot from him.

I don’t know who has blessed us in this way, but whoever you are, THANK YOU! You have blessed us in an amazing way this week as we had just received a monstrous health care bill the day before and money was going to be extremely tight to buy groceries. Thank you for blessing us and allowing the Lord to remind us that, “our God shall supply ALL our needs according to His riches in glory!” (Philiipians 4:19). I am humbled and so thankful. What an awesome God (and friends!) we have!

In many ways, the past month has been a blur. The past 14 days have been rough. But we’ve journeyed through each day by the grace of God and with the support of family and friends. What a blessing you have been. As I’m nearing the end of the physical aspect of my spontaneous miscarriage, I feel led to share my experiences.

I’ve now lost two babies. I have had two very different types of miscarriages. One was with a d&c, the other by spontaneous (natural) miscarriage…Two miscarriages, two drastically different experiences. It was our choice to allow this miscarriage to happen on its own.

As we were trying to decide what to do, I was unable to find any reliable online sources that would describe what a spontaneous miscarriage would physically feel like. This was very frustrating. I posted a thread on babycenter.com and asked women to share their stories. I now realize that there is no reliable source describing a spontaneous miscarriage because every body miscarries differently. For some women, it is a painless one-time event. For some women it goes on and on with extreme amounts of pain. Most women fall somewhere in the middle.

My body struggled with a spontaneous miscarriage. It lasted for 12 days. During this time, I felt (at best) as though I had the flu and it got worse from there. I had my hcg levels tested weekly to ensure they were dropping at an appropriate rate.
- Day 1 began with mild cramping and spotting.
- For a 4 hour period on Day 7/8, I experienced intense pain and cramping. I felt as though I was in labor. I have given birth naturally. I found this to be more intense than labor. Upon reflection, this was probably because I was not working toward the goal of new life…only towards losing my baby.
- Day 8 involved an increase in blood.
- Day 10 and 11 involved a lot of tissue loss. Towards the end of day 11, I lost my gestational sack. For me, losing the sack felt like delivering a placenta. It wasn’t painful. In fact it brought a sense of relief.
- Day 12 saw a decrease in blood, which has continued every day since.

Having a d&c (dilation and curettage) was not easy either. I remember coming out of the procedure with an intense feeling of emptiness. This emptiness continued for many days. In some ways, it was difficult not to have experienced the physical aspect of miscarriage. I also found it quite stressful not to be able to nurse Noah immediately after the procedure. (I have found out since that things could have been done differently so that this wouldn’t have been an issue if I had been more assertive with the doctors). My physical recovery from the d&c took about 2 days. During that time, I experienced mild cramps that were controllable with Advil.

I found that both a d&c and a spontaneous miscarriage were difficult physically and emotionally, but in drastically different ways. Overall, however, if I were to do it all over again, I would choose to have a d&c. I found that it was difficult to be “mom” when I was experiencing all that I did over the 12 day period. I was stressed to the max because I wasn’t able to be the mom I expect myself to be. This added to all the other emotional baggage I was carrying.

There is no right or wrong way to choose to have a miscarriage. It’s a difficult and painful journey regardless of the way it happens. It is a personal decision that only you can make. Regardless of how it happens, it is important to be in close communication with your midwife or OB.

This has been a long journey. I’ve learned a lot. I am confident that, like the loss of our first baby, God is going to use this loss to accomplish things in me and through me. He has an eternal view of things that I’m unable to see (and for that I’m most grateful!)

The conclusion that I have reached at this point in the journey is that there is NO easy way to lose a baby. I’ve been reflecting upon this thought a lot. A woman’s body was created to sustain life. Before sin entered the world, this is what Eve’s body did. It sustained and gave birth to life. With the entrance of sin into the world came death. Death is ugly. There is no other way to describe it. Death is so ugly that Christ had to come and live, die and rise in my place to remove the grip it had upon me. Physical death is ugly. Physical death hurts. Praise God that I will never have to experience spiritual death. Praise God that I have the promise of heaven and eternal life! Praise God that two of my children are safe in His arms until the day I meet them. Truly, there is no easy way to lose a baby. However, I have found that there is peace in knowing where they are.

One other thought I’ve been mulling on is that as hard as death is, it has made me appreciate the gift of life in ways I used to take for granted. I am blessed with the gift of an amazing soulmate and two special boys. Lord, thank you for opening my eyes to the sacredness of life.

Now it’s time to stop reflecting and enjoy my baby who just woke up!