Today was a day to celebrate Levi and to thank God for the gift of his life.  Mike took the day off of work and we just spent time together as a family.  Our morning was spent hanging out and opening Levi’s presents.  We celebrated his birthday lunch with Wouletts’ cupcakes (a family favorite!).  After naptime, we went to Aamodt’s Apple Orchard and had a blast!  On our way home, we stopped at Red Robin for supper.  While at supper, Levi learned how to drink out of a straw, was sung to and had a hot fudge sundae (most of which he graciously shared with the rest of us!)  The entire day was a fun celebration!

I have been reflecting upon Levi’s birth today.  Levi entered the world 11 days late.  The wait was long, but when he decided he was ready to come, boy was he ready!

I woke up in labor on October 15 at 2:30 am.  I remember leaning over to Mike and saying, “I think I’m in labor.”  What I meant was, “This is it!”  What Mike, in his sleep-deprived mind heard was, “Probably another false alarm.”  At 2:50, Noah called me into his room.  After comforting him for a few minutes (and dealing with a contraction at the same time), I called Mike in and was able to tell him that this was really it! ☺  We still chuckle about how long it took us to get our communication signals working!

We called our midwife and she told me to take a hot shower and call her back in an hour.  Well, my gut told me we shouldn’t sit idle. We called my parents and told them to come over.  By the time I took my shower and continued my stretches, my contractions were getting rather close together.  My parents arrived shortly after 3:30 am.  We called my midwife back and I convinced her that it really was time.  (My labor with Noah was 15+ hours so none of us, my midwife included, really expected any need to rush!)

Mike and I arrived at the hospital around 4 am.  By the time we parked, walked up to labor & delivery and got assessed, I was dilated to 8! (My midwife later confessed to me that when the hospital called her to give her an update, she ran 4 stoplights to make it to the hospital in time!)

My labor with Levi was exactly as I had prayed it would be.  I was able to give birth to him naturally.  I have never felt more like my body was doing exactly what it was created to do than during this labor.  I look forward to my labors.  For me, labor is a powerful, earthy experience.  It is a time when Mike and I need to work together unlike any other. It is a very intimate experience.  It is a time when I stand in awe of how God created my body and how He brings life into the world.

Levi came hard and fast.  At the hospital, I remember thinking that I just wanted a hair-twistie to keep my hair out of my face, but there wasn’t time to open my suitcase!  At 6:32 am, 4 hours after waking up in labor, Levi Alan entered the world!  What a time of celebration!  Levi weighed 8#9 oz, and was 21.5″ long.

From the time we first held Levi against our chests, he has been a great source of joy to our family!  Since his birth, we have called him “our bundle of joy.”  From his earliest days he has brought smiles and laughter to our household.  He has changed so much in this year.  He has gone from being a snuggly newborn who would sleep on my chest each afternoon to a gerber-faced, pudgy infant.  Now he is an out-going toddler who is walking all over and is always on the verge of cracking a grin. Levi is our comedian.  He tries to make us smile and giggles with glee when he does.  His belly laughs often echo through our home as he plays with Noah, begs to be tickled or the boys wrestle with daddy.  I truly do stand in awe of the gift of this child. I eagerly anticipate seeing what God has in store for Levi.  I love you buddy!  You are our bundle of joy!  Happy Birthday!

1.  How busy life is with boys…no piece of furniture is safe.  In most cases it is either a trampoline or a hurdle.
2.  That my children teach me a magnitude about faith, love and trust.
3.  That each day I’d learn what it means to die to self and put the needs of someone else before mine.
4.  That my swiffer is also a guitar, race car, and fire hose.
5.  The meaning and sheer depth of unconditional love.
6.  That somehow at the end of the most difficult day, I can look back and find reasons to smile.
7.  That I could fall even more in love with my husband as I watch him wrestle, build and play with the boys.
8.  How eerie, humbling and sometimes convicting it is to see my “isms” reflected in my boys.
9.  That my every move is watched and mimicked…especially when I least realize it.
10.  That anything of substantial height is a mountain needing to be scaled.
11.  That parenting really is the toughest job I could ever love.
12.  The feeling in my heart when two big blue eyes look up at me and impulsively say, “I love you, Mom” or “You’re the best mom in the world.”
13.  That I don’t have all the “answers” for being a mom.
14.  The number of hours I would spend pretending to be someone I am not (Dora, Wendy from Bob the Builder, Princess Presto and Wonder Red to name a few…)
16.  How astounding it is to see faith develop in my children.
17.  That one of my best role models of perseverance and resilience would be found in my 11-month-old son as he learns to walk.
18.  That my Mission Field would begin in my own home and go out from there.
19.  The power of touch.
20.  That sometimes all I can do is pray. (And if I only realized this sooner, the day would be a lot better off!)
21.  That my children can be prayer warriors.
22. The depth of which my heart would ache when my child is hurting.
23. What it means to have “faith like a child.”
24. That I wish life had a “pause” button.

In many ways, the past month has been a blur. The past 14 days have been rough. But we’ve journeyed through each day by the grace of God and with the support of family and friends. What a blessing you have been. As I’m nearing the end of the physical aspect of my spontaneous miscarriage, I feel led to share my experiences.

I’ve now lost two babies. I have had two very different types of miscarriages. One was with a d&c, the other by spontaneous (natural) miscarriage…Two miscarriages, two drastically different experiences. It was our choice to allow this miscarriage to happen on its own.

As we were trying to decide what to do, I was unable to find any reliable online sources that would describe what a spontaneous miscarriage would physically feel like. This was very frustrating. I posted a thread on babycenter.com and asked women to share their stories. I now realize that there is no reliable source describing a spontaneous miscarriage because every body miscarries differently. For some women, it is a painless one-time event. For some women it goes on and on with extreme amounts of pain. Most women fall somewhere in the middle.

My body struggled with a spontaneous miscarriage. It lasted for 12 days. During this time, I felt (at best) as though I had the flu and it got worse from there. I had my hcg levels tested weekly to ensure they were dropping at an appropriate rate.
- Day 1 began with mild cramping and spotting.
- For a 4 hour period on Day 7/8, I experienced intense pain and cramping. I felt as though I was in labor. I have given birth naturally. I found this to be more intense than labor. Upon reflection, this was probably because I was not working toward the goal of new life…only towards losing my baby.
- Day 8 involved an increase in blood.
- Day 10 and 11 involved a lot of tissue loss. Towards the end of day 11, I lost my gestational sack. For me, losing the sack felt like delivering a placenta. It wasn’t painful. In fact it brought a sense of relief.
- Day 12 saw a decrease in blood, which has continued every day since.

Having a d&c (dilation and curettage) was not easy either. I remember coming out of the procedure with an intense feeling of emptiness. This emptiness continued for many days. In some ways, it was difficult not to have experienced the physical aspect of miscarriage. I also found it quite stressful not to be able to nurse Noah immediately after the procedure. (I have found out since that things could have been done differently so that this wouldn’t have been an issue if I had been more assertive with the doctors). My physical recovery from the d&c took about 2 days. During that time, I experienced mild cramps that were controllable with Advil.

I found that both a d&c and a spontaneous miscarriage were difficult physically and emotionally, but in drastically different ways. Overall, however, if I were to do it all over again, I would choose to have a d&c. I found that it was difficult to be “mom” when I was experiencing all that I did over the 12 day period. I was stressed to the max because I wasn’t able to be the mom I expect myself to be. This added to all the other emotional baggage I was carrying.

There is no right or wrong way to choose to have a miscarriage. It’s a difficult and painful journey regardless of the way it happens. It is a personal decision that only you can make. Regardless of how it happens, it is important to be in close communication with your midwife or OB.

This has been a long journey. I’ve learned a lot. I am confident that, like the loss of our first baby, God is going to use this loss to accomplish things in me and through me. He has an eternal view of things that I’m unable to see (and for that I’m most grateful!)

The conclusion that I have reached at this point in the journey is that there is NO easy way to lose a baby. I’ve been reflecting upon this thought a lot. A woman’s body was created to sustain life. Before sin entered the world, this is what Eve’s body did. It sustained and gave birth to life. With the entrance of sin into the world came death. Death is ugly. There is no other way to describe it. Death is so ugly that Christ had to come and live, die and rise in my place to remove the grip it had upon me. Physical death is ugly. Physical death hurts. Praise God that I will never have to experience spiritual death. Praise God that I have the promise of heaven and eternal life! Praise God that two of my children are safe in His arms until the day I meet them. Truly, there is no easy way to lose a baby. However, I have found that there is peace in knowing where they are.

One other thought I’ve been mulling on is that as hard as death is, it has made me appreciate the gift of life in ways I used to take for granted. I am blessed with the gift of an amazing soulmate and two special boys. Lord, thank you for opening my eyes to the sacredness of life.

Now it’s time to stop reflecting and enjoy my baby who just woke up!

Anyway, back to the book. I confess that I have looked at it many times in the past year, but I never really started to read it. On Saturday night, I knew I needed something to begin processing through this baby’s death and dealing with my grief. I’ve been doing an excellent job of hiding from the reality of it. My grief became intense, overwhelming and lonely.

I opened up the book. It was written for me. It may be written for you. It was written for anyone who has experienced the loss of an unborn or newly born child. It is written for the parent who lost a baby 2 days ago, 2 years ago or 20 years ago. In the opening pages, the author writes the following excerpt. Perhaps you can relate.

“Grieving the Child I Never Knew is not a how-to book with pat answers about grieving the loss of a child. My hope is that this book will become your personal companion. Think of it as your trusted friend, who walks beside you and gives you permission to be who you are and where you are in your journey. If you are hiding your pain or hiding from people, then discover how God will meet you in your isolation. If you are suffering and need to cry, then weep with all your heart. If you feel like relating to others to help them through a similar journey, then connect. And if you are seeking hope, help and healing to press on in your future, then start today.

Whether you’ve recently suffered loss or lost a child long ago, my prayer is that Grieving the child I never knew will be a tool to guide you to a deeper understanding of who God is and will meet you in the pain of your loss and point you to Him” (page 13).

Grieving the Child I Never Knew is a powerful book consisting of 31 devotions that are intended to help begin the journey of grief and healing. It is a journey that I am embarking on. If you find yourself in a similar circumstance, I invite you to join me. I will be giving this book to anyone in my life that loses a child.

(Oh, and Diane, thanks for being with me as I begin yet another journey. You are a blessing.)

Anyway, I just stumbled across these statistics on bicycle helmet safety. I thought they were important enough to share. 1 in 8 cyclists with a reported bicycle injury has a brain injury. Yet a very high percentage (45 to 88 percent!) of cyclists’ brain injuries can be prevented by the use of a helmet.

Wow. Helmets are cheap, costing less than $10 to $20 for helmets that meet the CPSC standard guidelines. I wonder if I should keep a stash of helmets in my garage to hand out to kids…

MN is one of only 14 States that doesn’t have a mandatory helmet law. This simply doesn’t make sense to me…especially when I consider the safety advantages to children (and everyone!) of wearing a helmet while biking.

Mike spent his teenage summers at Lee Valley Ranch. I’ve been blessed to spend a portion of five summers at Lee Valley since Mike has come into my life. The Bible verse that best describes the focus of Lee Valley Ranch is Romans 12:9-13: Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

A principle that is gleaned off of this passage is the thought that “there is something for everyone to do.” It doesn’t matter how old, how young, how healthy, how ill, etc., there is always something for you to do. Pastor Dick Borrud, camp director, ingrains this thought in everyone who comes through camp. It’s an effective way to keep the camp running, but an even more powerful life lesson about living a life of Mission. There is something for everyone to do. You are never too old, too young, too weary, too sick, too heartbroken or too busy to live a life of mission. God will always give me “something to do” to make an eternal impact in the Mission field in which He calls me. Right now, my mission field is largely in my home, immediate neighborhood and through “kid contacts” in my life.

One of our goals as parents is to ingrain in our boys this same principal. “There is something for everyone to do.” We want our kids to learn this principal on a practical level so that it can be ingrained in them on a spiritual level. The past two days have been an object lesson of this in our family. We have gotten so many projects done – de-cluttered closets and the storage room, stained the deck, yard work, cleaned out/washed the van, washed down the house, etc. It has been very productive – a lot of work, but also a lot of fun!

Days like these allow us opportunities to teach our boys that our family is a team. We pitch in and stick together…through thick and thin. Sometimes we are having a blast, sometimes we are tired, sometimes we are overwhelmed. Regardless, we are a team and we stick together. Days like today allow us to live out the principle that “there is something for everyone to do.” Our prayer is that by doing these mundane daily tasks, our boys are learning spiritual lessons that will stay with them through their lives. There’s something else that’s pretty amazing…this has been a physically exhausting weekend for many reasons. Yet, with everyone pitching in, we’ve had a lot of laughter, fun and memories made (Just ask Noah who attacked Mike and me with the hose today! ) Everyone is a vital part of the team. What a lesson of Kingdom work!

This aspect of my family as my team has been particularly important to me this weekend. My body has begun to miscarry our baby. It’s been an emotional two days for me. What has been powerful is that although I’ve been sad at times, I’ve also laughed hard, I’ve smiled and I’ve loved life. I’ve been able be with my 3 boys who support me and love me through thick and thin. They see me at my best and at my worst. They love me regardless. This is an amazing truth. It is powerful to travel through this painful journey with my team supporting me, loving me and cheering me on. My team has ministered to me a lot this weekend….Mike, Noah and Levi. What a gift to be on this team.

I have an amazing husband who is my partner, my soulmate and my best friend. He is the best teammate I could ask for. I am blessed beyond measure.

I have two terrific boys. I spent time with each of them today. Noah and I snuggled on the couch this morning and just enjoyed each other. Mike and I enjoyed his concert complete with his guitar and “cool” sunglasses. I went on a long walk with all 3 of my boys…Noah rode his bike. Levi was full of smiles and snuggles. They are growing so fast. I experience a miracle each day as I watch my boys grow. I am blessed beyond measure.

My husband surprised me with an i-pod shuffle. I love it! We don’t have a lot of room for “extras” in life. Even more than the gift, I’m touched by his sacrifice to buy it. I am blessed beyond measure.

We went to the cemetery today. You may know that we lost a baby 2 years ago this month. I was able to go to the marker and spend some time reflecting on this little blessing on this Mother’s day. This is my Glory Baby, whom I eagerly wait to meet and hold in Heaven. I am blessed beyond measure.

Lord, help me not to lose sight of the blessings you put in my life each day. Open my eyes to the miracles that I experience in each day. Protect me from getting so busy that I miss out on the gift of your blessings in the ordinary things of life.