Heidi Bruder

Before I begin, I’d like to preface this post with two thoughts…
1. This post is not for everyone.
2. This is my own (unscientific) experience of two different miscarriages…one by d&c and one by spontaneous miscarriage. Your experience will be different. If you would like to share your story, please do. I’ve found there is healing in sharing our stories.

In many ways, the past month has been a blur. The past 14 days have been rough. But we’ve journeyed through each day by the grace of God and with the support of family and friends. What a blessing you have been. As I’m nearing the end of the physical aspect of my spontaneous miscarriage, I feel led to share my experiences.

I’ve now lost two babies. I have had two very different types of miscarriages. One was with a d&c, the other by spontaneous (natural) miscarriage…Two miscarriages, two drastically different experiences. It was our choice to allow this miscarriage to happen on its own.

As we were trying to decide what to do, I was unable to find any reliable online sources that would describe what a spontaneous miscarriage would physically feel like. This was very frustrating. I posted a thread on babycenter.com and asked women to share their stories. I now realize that there is no reliable source describing a spontaneous miscarriage because every body miscarries differently. For some women, it is a painless one-time event. For some women it goes on and on with extreme amounts of pain. Most women fall somewhere in the middle.

My body struggled with a spontaneous miscarriage. It lasted for 12 days. During this time, I felt (at best) as though I had the flu and it got worse from there. I had my hcg levels tested weekly to ensure they were dropping at an appropriate rate.
- Day 1 began with mild cramping and spotting.
- For a 4 hour period on Day 7/8, I experienced intense pain and cramping. I felt as though I was in labor. I have given birth naturally. I found this to be more intense than labor. Upon reflection, this was probably because I was not working toward the goal of new life…only towards losing my baby.
- Day 8 involved an increase in blood.
- Day 10 and 11 involved a lot of tissue loss. Towards the end of day 11, I lost my gestational sack. For me, losing the sack felt like delivering a placenta. It wasn’t painful. In fact it brought a sense of relief.
- Day 12 saw a decrease in blood, which has continued every day since.

Having a d&c (dilation and curettage) was not easy either. I remember coming out of the procedure with an intense feeling of emptiness. This emptiness continued for many days. In some ways, it was difficult not to have experienced the physical aspect of miscarriage. I also found it quite stressful not to be able to nurse Noah immediately after the procedure. (I have found out since that things could have been done differently so that this wouldn’t have been an issue if I had been more assertive with the doctors). My physical recovery from the d&c took about 2 days. During that time, I experienced mild cramps that were controllable with Advil.

I found that both a d&c and a spontaneous miscarriage were difficult physically and emotionally, but in drastically different ways. Overall, however, if I were to do it all over again, I would choose to have a d&c. I found that it was difficult to be “mom” when I was experiencing all that I did over the 12 day period. I was stressed to the max because I wasn’t able to be the mom I expect myself to be. This added to all the other emotional baggage I was carrying.

There is no right or wrong way to choose to have a miscarriage. It’s a difficult and painful journey regardless of the way it happens. It is a personal decision that only you can make. Regardless of how it happens, it is important to be in close communication with your midwife or OB.

This has been a long journey. I’ve learned a lot. I am confident that, like the loss of our first baby, God is going to use this loss to accomplish things in me and through me. He has an eternal view of things that I’m unable to see (and for that I’m most grateful!)

The conclusion that I have reached at this point in the journey is that there is NO easy way to lose a baby. I’ve been reflecting upon this thought a lot. A woman’s body was created to sustain life. Before sin entered the world, this is what Eve’s body did. It sustained and gave birth to life. With the entrance of sin into the world came death. Death is ugly. There is no other way to describe it. Death is so ugly that Christ had to come and live, die and rise in my place to remove the grip it had upon me. Physical death is ugly. Physical death hurts. Praise God that I will never have to experience spiritual death. Praise God that I have the promise of heaven and eternal life! Praise God that two of my children are safe in His arms until the day I meet them. Truly, there is no easy way to lose a baby. However, I have found that there is peace in knowing where they are.

One other thought I’ve been mulling on is that as hard as death is, it has made me appreciate the gift of life in ways I used to take for granted. I am blessed with the gift of an amazing soulmate and two special boys. Lord, thank you for opening my eyes to the sacredness of life.

Now it’s time to stop reflecting and enjoy my baby who just woke up!