Heidi Bruder

Just over two weeks ago, we found out the surprising news that we were pregnant! WOW! Not at all what we were expecting. I can honestly say that I was caught off-guard. I have spent the last two weeks journeying through a whole host of emotions. Here is a glimpse into some of the dialog I had with the Lord over the past two weeks…

Me: Lord, how am I going to do this? I’m going to have three kids, all 4 years old and younger! How on earth will I ever meet their needs, especially when the younger two are only 14 months apart?!
Lord: “Not by power, nor by might, but by my Spirit.” Zechariah 4:6

Me: But God, this isn’t how it was planned! (And you know how it stresses me out not to “stick to the plan.”)
Lord: “In his heart, a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9).

Me: But how on earth will I have the energy to do this? How will I have the strength to be the mom you are calling me to be…the mom I seek to be?
Lord: “The Joy of the Lord is my strength.” Nehemiah 4:6

Tuesday, May 13th, Mike and I went in for an early ultrasound. According to my calendar, I was 8 weeks 1 day pregnant. This is plenty old enough to see the baby and it’s heartbeat. Although the ultrasound showed a gestational sack, there was no sign of a baby. We lost this baby. The ultrasound indicated that our baby died at 5 weeks, 4 days.

Back in this place again. I was here almost exactly 2 years ago (the Friday before Memorial weekend 2006). This is a place I never wanted to visit again. It is a lonely place. As I stand in this place and look around, I find that it is a little different this time. I find it not to be quite as devastating but still filled with grief and pain. There is a bit of fear here…why another miscarriage? Will this be a trend that continues for me? Will I be able to have more children? There is sadness here…another baby that I won’t meet until heaven. This is a lonely place…no one else can feel what I do. No one else knows what it is like to have the hormones in my body still think I am pregnant, even though I am not. It’s hard to convince my heart when my body doesn’t believe. This all seems eerily familiar.

God has been preparing me for this; I know that full well. I’ve even suspected it at times and resisted. I don’t believe in accidents. Two weeks ago, I stumbled upon a blog by Angie Smith. Bring the Rain. She lost a baby girl, hours after giving birth. Hers is a powerful journey that is worth the read. I’ve been journeying along with her the past two weeks…crying, praying, and relating. Just this evening, she posted the following and it mirrors well what I am feeling at this moment.

“I am disappointed with God.
Do I praise Him? Yes.
Do I love Him deeply and with abandon? Yes.
Do I trust him? Yes.
Am I disappointed that our children are gone? I am.

I have said it before, but it bears repeating. He isn’t intimidated by my disappointment. It doesn’t make God turn away from me because I wish that things were different sometimes, in fact, it makes Him come nearer.”

As I’m sitting here this evening, I am very aware of God’s presence. He is here with me. It strikes me that He is the same yesterday, today and forever. (Hebrews 13:8). That will never change. He holds the yesterdays, the today’s and the forever in his hand. He holds each of my 4 beautiful children in his hands and loves them beyond measure, with His infinite wisdom. Before He formed each of them in my womb, He knew them. Before they were born, they were set apart. (Jeremiah 1:4) I believe that with every ounce my being. Two of my baby’s will never need to experience the pain of life, the effects of sin, broken hearts or broken dreams. However, that also means that, at least on this side of heaven, I will never be able to feel two of my babies’ arms wrapped around my neck in the kind of hug only a mommy gets. I’ll never be able to kiss their owies or experience the miracle of watching them grow.

My questions are different than they have been over the past 2 ½ weeks. The Lord’s answer remains the same. He doesn’t change according to my circumstances. He is the same yesterday, today and forever.

Me: Lord, I don’t want to be in this place again. How am I going to do this?
Lord: “Not by power, nor by might, but by my Spirit.” Zechariah 4:6

Me: But God, this isn’t how it was planned! As much as this baby took me by surprise, I welcomed this child into my heart. The death of my children grieves me. Oh how I wish I could catch a glimpse of this from your eternal perspective.
Lord: “In his heart, a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9).

Me: Lord, I am weary…physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally.
Lord: “The Joy of the Lord is my strength.” Nehemiah 4:6

I find myself praising God for the miracle of Noah and the miracle of Levi. I hold them close and give them extra hugs, kisses and snuggles. My heart aches. I stand in awe of the miracle of life. I stand in awe of the miracle of my four children. I am blessed.